Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
