Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
