I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
