Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
