just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
