Moan for me like Helen Keller
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
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josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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