I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
