Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
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I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I could fuck to npr.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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