if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
