You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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