if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
