New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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