Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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