just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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