I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
