I wish I could punch you in the face.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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