I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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