He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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