In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
