Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
