I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
