My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
