ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
