I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
