My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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