He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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