allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
