2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
