Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i need some magic done to my vagina
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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