He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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