My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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