Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
