Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
