All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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