He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
