im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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