You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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