so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
being pregnant is like rehab
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
