Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
