whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
