matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
