I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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