Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up