I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.