i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.