I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
