You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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