I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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