What did we do last night that was yellow?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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