dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
