i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she pinky promised me she was 18
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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