Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
