he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
