just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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