I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
do nipples grow back?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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