Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
