considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
