it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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